Positive Psychology in Dealing with People

December 28, 2008

Ignoring People can be Worse than Criticizing

From my years of working as a consutant, trainer and coach I am a firm believer in positive reinforcement.  I have guestimated many positive comments it would take for a manager to offset one negative or critical comment to be 5.  I constantly encourage executives that I coach to keep this ratio in mind in their day to day interactions.  This is not breaking news and we have all heard this all before.  So why am I writing about something so obvious? 

It hit me like a ton of bricks on page 51 of Tom Rath’s bestselling book, How Full is Your Bucket.  Here is a guy who is the grandson of the late Dr. Donald Clifton, Ph.D–cited by the American Psychological Association as the “Grandfather of Positive Psychology.”   Instead of studying what was wrong with people, Dr. Clifton studied what was right. 

Anyways, back to the main point.  Tom Rath’s book, How Full is your Bucket, clearly quantifies the impact positive reinforcement has on people based on 50 years of Dr. Clifton’s research.  On pages 50-51 he reports on a study conducted by Dr. Elizabeth Hurlock with students in a 6th grade math class and how the students who were praised solved more math problems than the students who were criticized.  Again, we have all heard this before….but here is where the story takes an unexpected turn…Graphbucket

The fact is, there were actually 3 groups of students in this study—the praised, the criticized, and the ignored! This graph from page 51 shows that students that were ignored actually showed the lowest level of improvement and solved the lowest number of problems–even lower than the criticized group.

 

This fact hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have been told countless times by executives that they are not critical of their employees and are not able to understand why productivity is down.  The truth is they are not praising, they are not criticizing—they are ignoring—which based on this study yields the lowest return. 

I am not trying to send the message that if we are ignoring now we should kick it up a notch and start criticizing to yield a higher return.  What I am saying is not critizing does not equal praise but rather it equals ignoring.  Not praising does not equal criticizing but rather it equals ignoring.  The only way to win here is to praise.  I have never had one single person complain about an executive giving too much praise so it shows most of us have room to maximize our potential in this area.

I had a dentist tell me once that one of the secrets to the success of his practice is that he takes the time every day to make small talk with his staff.  He explained that when he does this his staff is more happy and productive.  He also looks for daily events to praise them for both individually and at staff meetings.  When he gets busy or sidetracked from this habit he starts to realize it because his office productivity goes down and members of his staff start to beg for his attention in various ways.  In the end, it costs him more time and wasted productivity not to take the few minutes a day to acknowledge and praise. 

Let’s all keep this in mind as we go throughout our day. If we notice a drop in productivity, we need to ask ourselves, has my lack of praise, too much critisizm or ignoring people contributed to this decline?  For some of us this is a non-issue becuase we naturally praise.  For others of us, it is not natural and more like sticking to a strict diet—it is easy to backslide.  Let’s make praising a habit and a natural part of our company’s cuture. 

It would be interesting for our readers to hear, what are some ways you acknowledge and show praise to people? 

Go here to hear Tom Rath , an excellent communicator, talk more about interaction ratios or how every interaction counts

http://www.amyhedin.com/peopleperfsol/2007/08/ignoring-employ.html

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Don’t Criticize, condemn or complain

December 28, 2008

 

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

little boy

What do we say to our children when they make an ugly face or cross their eyes? “Your face and eyes are going to get stuck that way!” In the same way, we can get into a habit of being negative and critical of our children that we get stuck that way. Dale Carnegie writes this: “Often parents are tempted to criticize their children. You would expect me to say ‘don’t’. But I will not. I am merely going to say, ‘Beforeyou criticize them, read one of the classics of American journalism, ‘Father Forgets.””… FATHER FORGETS W. Livingston Larned condensed as in “Readers Digest”

Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the  library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor. Read the rest of this entry »

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Developing a child’s Self-Confidence

December 28, 2008

 

In the name of Allah, the Most-Merciful, the All-Compassionate  
“May the Peace and Blessings of Allah be Upon You”

 

 

Praise be to Allaah, we seek His help and His forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allaah from the evil of our own souls and from our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah guides will never be led astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one can guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.
 
  
Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam ‘ala Rasulillah
As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu
 

 
  

Developing a child’s Self-Confidence

 

At the age of two, a child starts to form her attitude towards the world around her. Some developmental psychologists think that the sense of self-confidence is one of the first of these attitudes and the strength of these feelings at age 2 depends on the kind of care that the child receives and on the parents’ attitude in meeting her basic needs. At this stage the child shows signs of development by showing a desire for independence, as she needs the freedom to speak, walk and play. All of that is connected to the need to assert herself which can only be achieved by allowing her a measure of independence. This is confirmed by the theory of development through maturity which says that we should respect the child’s individuality and leave him or her to develop naturally. Some girls grow up lacking self-confidence so that they cannot rely upon themselves in any matter, major or minor. They rarely take any initiative and are always waiting for someone to say, “Do such and such.” If faced with a problem, such a girl will be unable to take any decision and may try to avoid confronting the problem, or start crying. This is partly the parents’ fault, and it may be for a number of reasons, such as:

 

1:         Too much control (“Do this, don’t do that”) in major and minor matters alike, even if the matter does not warrant it, so that the child loses her spontaneity and this makes her lose confidence in her actions, and instead she always waits for someone to correct her and reassure her that she is doing the right thing.

 

2:         Blaming and criticizing her for everything she does, seeking out her faults and rebuking her if she makes a mistake, so that she is blamed and rebuked more than she deserves at the time when she is expecting praise for her efforts. This destroys the child’s motivation to act or to compete in doing anything and doing it well.

 criticism1

3:         Not giving the child the opportunity to speak in front of others for fear that she may make a mistake or speak of things that are not desirable, or else allowing her to speak but telling her what she should say.

  Read the rest of this entry »

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The Ideal Muslim Woman

December 25, 2008
The IDEAL MUSLIMAH
The True Islamic Personality of the Muslim Woman
as Defined in the Qur’an and Sunnah
By  Dr. Muhammad ‘Ali Al-Hashimi  
Translated by Nasiruddin Al-Khattab and Revised by Ibrahim
M. Kunna and Abu Aya Sulaiman Abdus-Sabur  

Copyright and published by the International Islâmic Publishing House (IIPH), Riyadh, Saudi Arabia in 1999.  

The Ideal Muslimah  is proud of the great position that Islam has given her among humanity. She performs her duties knowing that her role is clearly defined and that her rights are still, even today, greater than any other ideology has provided. She is a woman of moral excellence, true to her nature, not confused by alien and morally bankrupt ideas. She preserves her self-respect and dignity through her piety in obedience to Allah (swt) and His Messenger (saw). She is the role model that every true believer hopes to emulate.

 
 
Introduction

 

Undoubtedly children are a source of great joy and delight; they make life sweet, bring more rizq into a family’s life and give hope. A father sees his children as a future source of help and support, as well as representing an increase in numbers and perpetuation of the family. A mother sees her children as a source of hope, consolation and joy in life, and as hope for the future. All of these hopes rest on the good upbringing of the children and giving them a sound preparation for life, so that they will become active and constructive elements in society, a source of goodness for their parents, community and society as a whole. Then they will be as (SWT) described them: ( Wealth and sons are allurements of the life of this world . . .) (Qur’an 18:46)
 
 If their education and upbringing are neglected, they will become bad characters, a burden on their family, community and society as a whole.

 

She understands the great responsibility that she has towards her children

 

The Muslim woman never forgets that the mother’s responsibility in bringing up the children and forming their characters is greater than that of the father, because children tend to be closer to their mother and spend more time with her; she knows all about their behavioural, emotional and intellectual development during their childhood and the difficult years of adolescence.

Hence the woman who understands the teachings of Islam and her own educational role in life, knows her complete responsibility for the upbringing of her children, as is referred to in the Qur’an: ( O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones . . .) (Qur’an 66:6)
 
 The Prophet (PBUH) also referred to this responsibility in his hadith: “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The leader is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock; a woman is the shepherd in the house of her husband and is responsible for her flock; a servant is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.”1
 
 Islam places responsibility on the shoulders of every individual; not one person is left out. Parents – especially mothers – are made responsible for providing their children with a solid upbringing and sound Islamic education, based on the noble characteristics that the Prophet (PBUH) declared that he had been sent to complete and spread among people: “I have only been sent to make righteous behaviour complete.”2
 
 Nothing is more indicative of the greatness of the parents’ responsibility towards their children and their duty to give them a suitable Islamic upbringing than the verdict of the `ulama’ that every family should heed the words of the Prophet (PBUH): “Instruct your children to pray when they are seven and hit them if they do not do so when they are ten.”3Any parents who are aware of this hadith but do not teach their children to pray when they reach seven or hit them if they do not do so when they reach ten, are parents who are sinners and failing in their duty; they will be responsible before Allah (SWT) for their failure.

The family home is a microcosm of society in which the children’s mentality, intellect, attitudes and inclinations are formed when they are still very small and are ready to receive sound words of guidance. Hence the parents’ important role in forming the minds of their sons and daughters and directing them towards truth and good deeds is quite clear.

Muslim woman have always understood their responsibility in raising their children, and they have a brilliant record in producing and influencing great men, and instilling noble values in their hearts. There is no greater proof of that than the fact that intelligent and brilliant women have produced more noble sons than have intelligent and brilliant men, so much so that you can hardly find any among the great men of our ummah who have controlled the course of events in history who is not indebted to his mother.

Al-Zubayr ibn al-`Awwam was indebted for his greatness to his mother Safiyyah bint `Abd al-Muttalib, who instilled in him his good qualities and distinguished nature.

`Abdullah, al-Mundhir and `Urwah, the sons of al-Zubayr were the products of the values instilled in them by their mother, Asma’ bint Abi Bakr, and each of them made his mark in history and attained a high status.

`Ali ibn Abi Talib (RAA) received wisdom, virtue and good character from his distinguished mother, Fatimah bint Asad.

`Abdullah ibn Ja`far, the master of Arab generosity and the most noble of their leaders, lost his father at an early age, but his mother Asma’ bint `Umays took care of him and give him the virtues and noble characteristics by virtue of which she herself became one of the great women of Islam.

Mu`awiyah ibn Abi Sufyan inherited his strength of character and intelligence from his mother, Hind bint `Utbah, not from his father Abu Sufyan. When he was a baby, she noticed that he had intelligent and clever features. Someone said to her, “If he lives, he will become the leader of his people.” She responded, “May he not live if he is to become the leader of his people alone!”

Mu`awiyah was unable to instil his cleverness, patience and skills in his own son and and heir, Yazid, because the boy’s mother was a simple Bedouin woman, whom he had married for her beauty and because of the status of her tribe and family.

Mu`awiyah’s brother Ziyad ibn Abi Sufyan, who was a prime example of intelligence, shrewdness and quick-wittedness, was similarly unable to pass these qualities on to his son `Ubayd-Allah (SWT), who grew up to be stupid, clumsy, impotent and ignorant. His mother was Marjanah, a Persian woman who possessed none of the qualities that might entitle her to be the mother of a great man.

History records the names of two great men of Banu Umayyah, the first of whom was known for his strength of character, capability, intelligence, wisdom and decisiveness, and the second of whom took the path of justice, goodness, piety and righteousness.

The first was `Abd al-Malik ibn Marwan, whose mother was `A’ishah bint al-Mughirah ibn Abi’l-`As ibn Umayyah, who was well-known for her strength of character, resolution and intelligence. The second was `Umar ibn `Abd al-`Aziz (RAA), the fifth of the khulafa’ al-rashidun, whose mother was Umm `Asim bint `Asim ibn `Umar ibn al-Khattab, who was the most noble in character of the women of her time. Her mother was the righteous worshipper of Allah (SWT) whom `Asim saw was honest and truthful, and clearly following the right path, when she refused to add water to the milk as her mother told her to, because she knew that Allah (SWT) could see her.

If we turn towards Andalusia, we find the brilliant, ambitious ruler `Abd al-Rahman al-Nasir who, having started life as an orphan, went on to establish an Islamic state in the West, to which the leaders and kings of Europe surrendered and to whose institutes of learning the scholars and philosophers of all nations came to seek knowledge. This state made a great contribution to worldwide Islamic culture. If we were to examine the secret of this man’s greatness, we would find that it lay in the greatness of his mother who knew how to instil in him the dynamic spirit of ambition.

During the `Abbasid period there were two great women who planted the seeds of ambition, distinction and ascendancy in their sons. The first was the mother of Ja`far ibn Yahya, who was the wazir of the khalifah Harun al-Rashid. The second was the mother of Imam al-Shafi`i: he never saw his father who died whilst he was still a babe in arms; it was his mother who took care of his education.

There are many such examples of brilliant women in our history, women who instilled in their sons nobility of character and the seeds of greatness, and who stood behind them in everything they achieved of power and status.
 
Footnotes:

  1. (Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 10/61, Kitab al-imarah wa’l-qada’, bab al-ra’i mas’ul ‘an ri’atihi.
  2. Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 1/371, bab husn al-khulq.
  3. Reported by Ahmad, 2/187, and by Abu Dawud with a hasan isnad, 1/193, Kitab al-salat, bab mata yu’mar al-ghulam bi’l-salat

 

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Ahmed Deddat:Mohammed in the Bible

December 16, 2008

One of the best lectures I have had the chance to watch and listen to. The power of Ahmed Deedats speech is wonderful and captivating and the reality of what he says is so evident. Once you go to the Youtube site there are continuing lecture sessions for the total lecture. Enjoy

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Mistakes Made On Eid Days

December 14, 2008

In the name of Allah, the Most-Merciful, the All-Compassionate 
“May the Peace and Blessings of Allah be Upon You”
eid-prayer
Praise be to Allaah, we seek His help and His forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allaah from the evil of our own souls and from our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah guides will never be led astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one can guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam ‘ala Rasulillah
As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu

Mistakes made on Eid

We would like to point out some things that some people do out of ignorance of the laws of Allaah and the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). These include the following: 

1 – The belief of some that it is prescribed to spend the night of Eid in worship. 
Some people believe that it is prescribed to spend the night of Eid in worship. This is a kind of innovation (bidah) that is not proven from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). Rather it was narrated in a daeef (weak) hadeeth which says, “Whoever stays up on the night of Eid, his heart will not die on the day when hearts die.” This hadeeth is not saheeh. It was narrated via two isnaads, one of which is mawdoo (fabricated) and the other is daeef jiddan (very weak). See Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth al-Daeefah wa’l-Mawdoo’ah by al-Albaani, 520, 521. 

It is not prescribed to single out the night of Eid to pray qiyaam to the exclusion of all other nights, unlike the one whose habit it is to pray qiyaam, in which case there is nothing wrong with him praying qiyaam on the night of Eid. 

2 – Visiting graves on the two Eid days. 

This is contrary to the purpose of Eid which is to express joy and happiness, and it goes against the teaching of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and the actions of the salaf. It comes under the general meaning of the Prophet prohibition on visiting graves on a specific day and making that like a festival, as the scholars stated. See Ahkaam al-Janaa’iz wa Bida’uha by al-Albaani, p. 219, 258. 

3 – Forsaking the jamaaah and sleeping late and missing the prayer. 

Unfortunately you see some of the Muslims missing the prayer and forsaking the jamaaah. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The covenant that stands between us and them is the prayer; whoever forsakes it is a kaafir.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2621; al-Nasaai, 463; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 
Read the rest of this entry »

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Minerals for the Body

December 14, 2008

Chloride
Chloride, along with sodium, regulates the acid/alkali balance in the body. It is also necessary for the production of gastric acid which is a component of hydrochloric acid (HCl).

 
Ironiron-ore
Only trace amounts of iron are essential for living cells of plants and animals. Iron has the ability to interact reversibly with oxygen and to function in electron transfer reactions that makes it biologically indispensable. Iron is necessary for cell function and blood utilization. Blood loss is the most common cause of iron deficiency. Pallor and extreme fatigue are the symptoms of iron deficiency anemia.

Sodium
Sodium regulates the pH of intracellular fluids and with potassium, regulates the acid/ alkali balance in the body. Sodium and chloride are necessary for maintaining osmosis and electrolyte balance.

 
Aluminum
Aluminum is a natural component of many foods. Although it is found in small quantities in plant and animal tissues and in blood and urine, there is no evidence that this element is essential for any metabolic function in humans or animals. In fact, there is evidence that elevated aluminum can result in neurological disorders, bone disease, gastrointestinal irritation, loss of appetite and loss of energy. 
Because aluminum is a natural constituent of some foods and is in a growing number of modern foods and pharmaceutical preparations, an understanding of aluminum and aluminum containing foods and cooking utensils can benefit all people. In healthy people, more than 98% of the ingested aluminum is passed through the gastrointestinal tract. Silicon, a constituent of Celtic Sea Salt (see above), prevents the absorption of aluminum and actually helps the body eliminate aluminum that is bound in the tissues. 
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The Science of Boys

December 7, 2008

 

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By  Karima Burns
 
Allah made boys and girls equal…“Whoever does good whether male or female and he is a believer, We will most certainly make him live a happy life, and We will most certainly give them their reward for the best of what they did (Qur’an 19:97).”

but also different…

“Or He makes them of both sorts, male and female; and He makes whom He pleases barren; surely He is the Knowing, the Powerful (Qur’an 42:50).”
 

Understanding the differences between male and female children is an important factor in the successful parenting of girls and boys. A study to find the environmental source of male behavior was undertaken in 1990 at Johns Hopkins University with 100,000 boys. The study ended 15 years later because the researchers could find no consistent environmental or social reason why “boys were boys”. Since then many more studies have shown that there are indeed many biological differences between male and female children (Gurian, p.4). Knowing what these biological differences are can help a parent cater to the unique needs of their male child. Testosterone is the main factor parents should consider in raising boys. Beyond that, there are also other needs unique to boys that must be considered in their upbringing. It is comforting to know that in following the guidelines of Islam these needs are automatically met.Testosterone is one of the main factors in determining “maleness” in a child and is the defining agent at conception as to whether a child will become male or female. Even if a boy is created chromosomally male he may come out of the womb looking like a girl if not enough testosterone exists to make him a boy. This means that a “normal” boy is created by appropriate testosterone surges from the womb to adulthood. Therefore it is quite natural that this testosterone may control much of the natural boy’s behavior. Testosterone causes three basic needs in a boy (Raising a Son by Jeanne Ellium):

1- The search for quick and instant gratification in the form of eating quickly, jumping or moving about a lot or even the desire for quick sexual conquests.

2- The tendency to move quickly to “problem-solving” mode even when working in emotional situations.

3- The tendency to find activities through which the body can build and release physical tension – such as sports.

Testosterone also causes the male brain to “turn on and off” instead of staying “on” all the time as in the female brain. For the male, the thinking process is turned on for a task and then “turned off” again, transmitting less serotonin until the next task is encountered (Gurian p.14). This causes boys to be more “task-oriented, whereas girls may experience more than one task at once and often change styles of play frequently. Stemming from this and many other biological differences researchers have come up with a list of important matters to consider when raising boys. In “The Wonder of Boys”, Michael Gurian gives us a list of six things that are important to consider when raising a boy. Although his list may seem daunting, it is easily completed by simply leading an appropriate Islamic lifestyle. Michael Gurian’s partial list with the corresponding Muslim principles follows (Gurian p.xxi): Read the rest of this entry »

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